I'm an avid fashion lover, dreamer and chronic depressee. I'm here to share my highs and my lows. I complain, I whine and bitch about the things that happens to me. Follow me through my struggle with humans.
I've set bedtime at 10:30 tonight because I'm tired of being tired in the morning lol but it's almost 10 and I know for a fact that I won't be able to sleep. Insomnia is not an option, especially if tomorrow my trainer is going to kick my ass so I have to reschedule my little challenge, Since I missed today on purpose, I'll try to survive the weekend without it. Like that if I can't sleep, it's okay because I will have nothing important planned. So let's postpone this.. again... because I can't compromise sleep. Especially with tomorrow beating. I am disappointed and I have let myself down again but I will make it up to myself.
We are halfway through August and I still cannot kick this bad habit...Shocker! Maybe I need help. Really, there's no one is to blame but myself. I can stop, this shit ain't shit, but the real question here is why can't I stop myself? I mean I can't keep living in the past. I know its fun and all, but society needs me to stop smoking. I mean I can't smoke forever...what if I decide to have kids some day? ...well... *smirk*. Let's try something. I won't smoke tomorrow. I will on Tuesday, but I won't smoke at all tomorrow. Its small feat but it's a start. I shouldn't have an issue with sleeping because I'm going to the gym, so I'll make myself a mini workout plan for now...something I know will exhaust me then I should be able to sleep. So this shall be my challenge!
*and I say tomorrow not because I'm procrastinating it's because... it's too late lol.
So after yesterday's episode, the most logical thing to do would be to stop... right? I mean I will. I know I sound uncertain, but I really have to. Obviously, I can see it's not good for me, plus I have to pay for it -Keyword: Adulting- so I can't afford to waste any more money on this. Let's think rationally for a second... even though I am high as a kite right now... What does quitting/not quitting will do to me for the next 34 years? If I do, I know I'll feel better; I might want to go back to the gym and be more motivated. Yes, I'll be a hot mess for a while... and those migraines, ugh! But I can do it. The pain will last for a little while, and then I'll be 100% better and on my way to a better me. If I don't, what will happen? I might stay where I am, unmotivated and anxious. Nah, I'm through with all that. I am 26... I have 34 years left to be who I want, who I know I am to be instead of being what I am now. This month is all about the mantra. I know who I am. I want to love who I am and be great.
**Disclaimer: I am going to be extra cheesy this month. I am already disgusting myself lol. **
You see... I have this thing with shopping, and I believed that my already extensive collection of notebooks wasn't big enough for what I am trying to achieve. I had to buy another one... pretty simple lol. Since I'm trying this new “adulting” thing, I am trying to control my spending to better focus my taste for shopping. So I remembered that I still have this little safe haven in a way. No one I know knows here so I am free to express myself. I want to be “cured”, not be all somber and sadden all the time. I remember writing here always gave me a little joy so why not? (Plus, I have this new cool office I am going to set up real smooth, so I can write in peace XP) Plus it keeps my mind sharp. Especially with the upcoming challenges I want to conquer... I am going to need a place to vent, be myself and sharpen my creativity. If I really want this the way I say I do, let this place be a record of all the times I have failed myself. Haven't you given up enough? How many more “next month” “next year” does it take? I have to wake up, stop avoiding shit and woman up about it. I will take my own advice for once.