I'm an avid fashion lover, dreamer and chronic depressee. I'm here to share my highs and my lows. I complain, I whine and bitch about the things that happens to me. Follow me through my struggle with humans.
Adult friendships or friendships at all are a load of bullshit in my opinion.
Lemme explain myself. It's hard to find great friends, especially for me because I have a very low tolerance for people's crap, and we are all at a point in our lives where life is a lot so do you really want someone to transfer all their stressful energy to you? Nah.
As self-centred as it may sound-and I think I've said it before -I'm good with my company. I'm tired of feeling hurt over people who don't even feel the same for me. I have struggled with depression for a year, and the little friends I have, have not been the best support system. As I'm writing I'm trying to figure out what I may have done to push them away or keep them from helping me but I don't see it. All I can remember are the insensitive remarks. And when they needed my support, despite how I was feeling, I always put my smile on and cheer for them.
I don't expect them to fully understand, but I didn't expect such a treatment. As I am trying to get out of it and making changes in my life I'm only greeted with hostility. Everyone is always mad at me for treating them the way they treated me. I'm sick of always feeling like everything is my fault. I shouldn't have anxiety after leaving a gathering because I'm scared of offending my “friends” fuck that noise!
Why do I have to stew in my feelings? Do they ever worry about offending me? I am thankful for the good times we all had together but I am ready to feel appreciated and fulfilled in my relationships. In love or with friends. I doubt that a great friendship feels that way and I am ready and opened for better and bigger thinks. I done being sad because people are mad at me, I'm done pussyfooting around peoples feelings. I am opened for better relationships in my life and I know I will get them.
My boyfriend is so full of shit! I mean I've been busting my ass to make sure we got food on the table, heat to keep us warm and a roof over our heads, I'm frustrated as shit cuz he's out here livin' la vida loca not paying shit and he has the audacity to mope around when I'm clearly annoyed that he ain't doin shit to help our situation. I mean I would like to be able to go to the gym for 2-3 hours instead of sitting in from of this computer for 8-12 hours. Shit I'd love to be able to wake up at noon and play video games all day. Shit I would love to go to school and do something more lucrative of my time but NO MOTHERFUCKER I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND DEAL WITH YOUR BROKE BUM ASS. Fucking up my vibrations
The sad thing of it all is...that we're not as special as we think we may be. I mean I think I'm the shit honestly and that's fine because as pathetic as it may sound I'm my own best friend, but I find myself yearning or desiring other peoples attention. When I don't get it I low key get offended like « I'm the shit for real why can't you see it? » I love everything about my personality even though it takes a while for me to expose myself to people. I think that's what may take people aback, the fact that I am pretty much a closed book. By that I mean that I am very careful and aware of how I spend anything that belongs to me wether its my time, my money, my personal informations or my juicest to puns, if I don't feel like we are going to take this somewhere I ain't wasting my time. But at the same time that's how you build relationships dummy!! Ill give you what you ask for, I won't have an attitude or nothing, but you'll strictly get what you asked for. I mean if I'm able to pin point this exact felling I guess that can be something I can work on.
I mean, do these thoughts and feelings ever go away? I always get told that life is worth living, that we are here for a reason and that we chose to be here, but why don't I feel as such. I don't enjoy being “here” and it's not just the area it's the whole thing. The whole “experience” is really unpleasant, no matter what I do, no matter what I say or others say, there's nothing that satisfies me anymore. I have forward to nothing anymore. Nothing is fun or surprising. It's not as if I don't have hobbies or anything like that. It's just that I can't get joy out of anything anymore. I don't get it, I mean I must be doing something wrong or something is wrong with me,,,I don't know anymore. I'm at a point in life where I'd be okay with dying. I won't harm myself, even though I think about it constantly, I'm just going to sit here and with for the reaper to come and get me. The only thing I hate about that is that there's no way to know when it's going to happen. I mean I've been praying God for years to literally “kill me now” but that's the only thing I wasn't about to manifest in my life. I mean say you have never fainted in your life and fainting the following week that I can achieve, Saying that I never broke my leg and break my ankle not that long after, I can do that to, but the whole dead thing I mean I've been asking for what 10 years now and I'm still waiting. I guess I'll have to coast through life and wait for my turn.
I've been working hard... well, I feel like it at least, but it's seems like it's not enough. My current mindset is being afraid that there's not enough and that I will end up in the streets or bankrupt at 27 ?. I don't see why I worry so much while I have so much to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a warm place to sleep, I'm in great health so much that I can workout everyday. My finances can't be that bad if I can afford to go to the gym, have a trainer, a car and still pay my bills. Some are piling up and I worry sometimes if I'm going to be able to feed the both of us, but I have to let go of this worry. I am worthy of prosperity, I believe I am. I need to let go of feeling of worry because it won't attract anything more than more problems. I have plenty of things to look forward to today and I need to let go of the past to live my experience fully. Life is to short too be stressed and worried, I choose to let go of those feelings and start living the life I deserve.