I'm an avid fashion lover, dreamer and chronic depressee. I'm here to share my highs and my lows. I complain, I whine and bitch about the things that happens to me. Follow me through my struggle with humans.
I don't want to hurt you. You do not deserve such treatment... but I can't let you go. You've been there for me in ways no one else ever was. You catered to my every whim, took the worst backlashes and bitch fits I could throw at you. You stood there like a pillar like the man I wanted you to be but is it too little too late? I am forever grateful for the love you have given to me, but I have to be honest with you. Hold up, do I really? In this case, is honesty really the best policy? How will you react when I tell you I cannot reciprocate what you are feeling at the present moment because my mind has been wandering? I wish I didn't feel this way, because this is really taking a toll on my mental. I can't sleep at night. I can't hug you anymore or tell you "I love you" back. I feel awful when I lay next to you and see someone else. As soon as I close my eyes, I am transported into this world of temptation my mind has created. I am tempted to be the type of person you hate. I act holy, but I am not. I am no different than the rest of them and I don't know how long I will be able to keep this up. I can't hold on to you anymore. I have been too selfish for too long... maybe I deserve to be alone after all. I know I do not deserve the love you have for me. And I feel terrible knowing you are wasting it on me. I don't want to break your heart, but I am afraid that I will one day. I feel so weak and vulnerable... and the demons that surround me are savages. They are already tormenting my mind, once my temptation reaches its peak, they will deliver the crippling blow. I want you, but I want "it" too. I want it all. I wish I could go back in time and keep me from feeling this way. Even if I have felt this way since day one. I wish I felt the butterflies I had when I first met you. I want to go back to being "us" because even if it wasn't perfect, it was good. I wish I could get this feeling back, but my heart is numb. I'm such a mess.
It's hard to remain 100% focused. I try so hard, but the outside influences know exactly where to hit. It but I have to stand strong because I have goals in life and I will achieve those goals. I have to stop looking over the fence at what the neighbor is doing and take this time to work on me. I have waited long enough for this and I cannot let anything get in my way anymore...not even myself. I have to put my trust in me and also in God. I know you might not believe in it like I do, but I truly believe that He has an impact in my life. So I try my hardest to keep Him close. Because in this process I might gain friends, I might loose friends, but He will always be there for me. So I have to roll my sleeves back, dust myself off and keep going. This might be hard right now, but I will rise above it because nothing is impossible. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but y'all better watch out because...I am coming.
I shouldn't be here...I mean writing on here. I should be doing my assignment that is due in 9 hours, but I can't. I still don't feel good. I still don't understand what is the point of opening up to people because I still feel weird and now I feel worst because someone else knows how dark it can get here. I though talking about what I felt would make me feel more normal more "human" but it just made the difference more apparent. I am selfish and cold hearted. All I want is my well being. It's all about me me me. I need to make sure I am happy and successful before I can make someone else happy. Because I have put people before me for too long and not my heart is hard. Hmm I wonder who will be able to handle it.
Father, my Lord. I don't resort to spirituality often... You know our relationship. But You know I have been good lately. I try my hardest to keep my mouth shut, focus and mind my own business. Oh Father, just say it and i'll believe you.